Want to Be Successful? Stop Being Your Worst Enemy
Self-sabotage is a vicious cycle where we attack ourselves and limit our abilities to create our best future.
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Things were looking up for me! I had a solid plan. The work was slow but progressing nicely, and it was gaining traction. Overall, I was a little behind schedule but meeting all my goals. It was really starting to look like this idea was going to be successful!
I should have been excited and inspired! I should have had a burst of motivation to keep going!
But instead …
I found myself aimlessly searching for other ideas online. I was wasting hours on social media, scrolling through feeds that I even didn’t relate to. I was staying up later than usual; binge-watching shows that only mildly caught my interest. Or I was spending too much time playing video games instead of doing the work I needed to do.
I would find myself more tired each morning than the day before, more irritated, more frustrated. It was getting hard to focus, and the work schedule was slipping more and more.
Hating myself for it, I beat myself up emotionally but continued to avoid working. I looked for every excuse. Telling myself that I was working, I would waste time on distantly related projects with no progress. The truth was, I wasn’t at all productive. The only thing progressing was the growing hours spent in anxiety and self-doubt.
And while my fear of being a failure paralyzed me, I was unconsciously doing everything to become one.
“Between the great things we cannot do and the small things we will not do, the danger is that we shall do nothing.”
–Adolph Monod
What Is Self-Sabotage?
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Whether we are working on a dream project, building a relationship, pursuing our academics or other goals, self-sabotage can take many forms.
It can be eating an extra slice of pizza when we’re trying to lose weight. Maybe it’s putting off that paper until the night before it’s due. It can be showing up a few minutes late when you have a big presentation or as insidious as not showing up at all.
Self-sabotage may be at work behind the scenes when someone cheats on a terrific partner or relapses while in addiction recovery.
According to the Cambridge dictionary, the definition of sabotage is “to damage or destroy [things] in order to prevent the success of an enemy or competitor, to intentionally prevent the success of a plan or action.”
When we sabotage ourselves, we turn on ourselves and damage or destroy our own physical, mental or emotional things to prevent our success. We see ourselves as the enemy.
Self-sabotage leaves us feeling exhausted, anxious, and depressed. And it can damage our relationships, finances, careers, and lives.
“Whether you think you can or you think you can’t, you’re right.”
- Henry Ford
What Do Self-Sabotaging Behaviors Look Like?
We don’t usually see the damage from our negative efforts right away. It’s only in looking back that we see those tiny beginnings, those kernels of doubt that grew into something much more dangerous. But if we can spot them early, we may be able to address them before they can do too much damage.
“Too many of us are not living our dreams because we are living our fears.”
- Les Brown
Chronic procrastination
Most of us deal with procrastination here and there. Sometimes it’s hard to focus on something, or we find ourselves drawn to other projects instead. (Check out for 10 Ways to Get Out of the Quicksand of Procrastination for tips to get back on track) But if we struggle with it continually and cannot get back to work, we may be engaging in self-sabotage.
Poor time management
Running behind with too much to do is often a way of life. If we never get to everything on our to-do list, it may be time to re-evaluate and cut back.
But if no matter what changes we make, we’re not as productive as usual, we may want to take a closer look.
Picking fights with others
When we sabotage ourselves, we will be irritable and feel out of control. We may start arguments with co-workers, friends, or loved ones or lash out at them. We want someone else to blame for what we are feeling. And it’s hard to admit that it’s our own self that is causing these negative emotions.
The tragedy of too many people is that they cannot allow happiness just to be there; they cannot leave it alone. Their sense of who they are and of what their destiny is cannot accommodate happiness. So they are driven to find ways to sabotage it.
— Nathaniel Branden
Avoiding taking risks
Taking chances is how we grow. Without them, we become stagnant in our progress. But when dealing with self-sabotaging thoughts, we may think, “why bother to try?”
Or, when things become difficult, we decide to walk away and fail to see it through. We avoid the tough choices and hard work needed to keep going and quit to avoid further risk.
Negative Thoughts
One of the most common harmful behaviors is negative self-talk. We doubt our abilities, our skills, and our knowledge. We say things to ourselves like “I don’t know what I’m doing” or “I’m a failure.”
We tell ourselves that we’re not worthy of success or love or money. And we viciously put ourselves down, attack our belief in ourselves, and take away our power to improve our lives.
“The only person you are destined to become is the person you decide to be.”
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Why Do We Sabotage Ourselves?
Perfectionism
Most of us want to do a good job. Few of us like making mistakes. But failure is a natural part of life.
But those that struggle with perfectionism, there is a deeper fear of failure. They want everything to be perfect and may have a difficult time with criticism and rejection. When things are not 100% as planned, even if they are still headed in the right direction, perfectionists may feel like, “If it can’t be done perfectly, then why do it all?”
“The essence of being human is that one does not seek perfection.”
- George Orwell
Imposter Syndrome
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Most of us want to be successful. But achieving it can be uncomfortable for some.
When faced with success, there may be a feeling of being on display. But when success feels unworthy to someone, there may be a fear that others will see them as a fraud. They may feel the need to hide, resulting in self-sabotaging behaviors. People that may have grown up feeling that they were not seen or didn’t fit in may be particularly vulnerable to this form of self-criticism. Studies have shown that creatives may be at higher risk for issues with imposter syndrome.
“Always remember, you have within you the strength, the patience, and the passion to reach for the stars to change the world.”
—Harriet Tubman
Lack of Self-Confidence
Self-esteem and feeling of unworthiness can make achieving one’s goals difficult. The closer that success comes, the more anxiety it causes. That self-doubt whispers, “it’s only a matter of time before we’re a failure again.” It lies and says, “You’re not good enough.”
And when our reality does not align with our beliefs, we try to change it. We, unconsciously perhaps, create behavior to ensure that the future will meet our lower expectations.
“We are all failures - at least the best of us are.”
- J.M. Barrie
Getting to the Bottom of our Self-Sabotage:
The hardest part of why we sabotage ourselves is that its foundation is often based on the opposite. And at its core, it is about protecting ourselves.
Growth and success can feel unfamiliar, especially if we haven’t had much in the past. New things can make us uncomfortable and feel out of our control.
When we feel uncomfortable, our brains may kick into automatic processes and re-play our old memories to find ways to adapt to the unfamiliar. We repeat the behaviors that previously protected us physically or emotionally in uncomfortable situations.
However, if those behaviors no longer serve us, they could end up damaging our chances of success instead of protecting us from harm.
If we were bullied as children, perhaps we learned that staying out of the limelight meant protection from ridicule. Someone who has suffered a loss may have learned to avoid attachment to avoid the pain of losing another. Having a broken heart may lead one to avoid entirely committing it again to protect themselves.
And yet, facing those uncomfortable feelings may be an essential part of the transformation to becoming our successful selves.
“There is stability in self-destruction, in prolonging sadness as a means of escaping abstractions like happiness. Rock bottom is a surprisingly comfortable place to lay your head. Looking up from the depths of another low often seems a lot safer than wondering when you’ll fall again. Falling feels awful.
I’d rather fucking fly.”
― Kris Kidd
Stopping Self-Sabotaging Behaviors
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Because it is often based in our past, changing these behaviors requires introspection. We may need to review our old patterns and ideas to see what beliefs we still hold from the past that are no longer useful for our future.
Journaling or mindfulness can help with introspection. However, therapy may be more beneficial for deeper or traumatic issues.
We may need to work on our self-esteem and self-confidence so we are ready to accept it when success comes to us. Replace negative self-talk with healthy affirmations and positivity and embrace accomplishments. We need to be able to recognize and embrace the potential for greatness within us.
Forgive yourself for sabotaging your efforts. Letting go of our self-resentment has been shown to help with acceptance and beat the procrastination that often correlates to self-sabotage.
Have a clear goal and reason why you want to complete this project or achievement. Having the right why can help keep you on track. (Read more on The Importance of Why in Gaming and Life).
Learn to embrace failure. There is no success without the risk of failure. It is a part of life and how we grow. Failure is only one step on the journey, and it means you’re on the right path to your destination.
“Failures are finger posts on the road to achievement.”
- C.S. Lewis
My Story Continued
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Feeling stuck and frustrated, I turned to my journal and embraced my comfort in writing. I tried to get all the rushing thoughts out of my head on page after page. But reading my scribbling, I saw my self-doubts staring back at me from the page. But seeing them there, those feelings of unworthiness, doubt, and fear, I was better able to address them.
I revisited my “why” statements and my goals. I relooked at the project and reaffirmed that it was what I wanted. I forgave myself for the lost time and accepted that it was necessary to move towards long-term success.
But it wasn’t overnight, and it took time to turn it around. It’s not always easy, and I know that I may struggle with this again. But for now, I am finding my motivation and excitement for the project and the future again.
Success is not easy, and accepting it can be even harder. Growing and becoming better is uncomfortable and scary. But we all need to get out of our comfort zone if we want to achieve our big dreams and make our fantasies into our new realities.
“What would you do if you weren’t afraid?”
― Sheryl Sandberg
What holds you back from success and how are you overcoming it? Let us know in the comments below.
Author:
Laurie Trueblood is a writer and life coach that enjoys fantasy, science, psychology, and everything nerdy. As the founder of Adventures to Authenticity, her mission is to help others level up and become the best versions of themselves.
Read more personal stories of reaching for success: Being Authentic is F---ing Hard, My Quest for Trust in the Dark, and The Mask of Accommodation - Confessions of a People Pleaser
