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Being authentic is hard. It’s so much more than a nice quote and magically believing in yourself. It’s f---ing hard.

Some days are better than others, but some are a real struggle. I’m trying to be my best self, be true to who I am, and become a better person. But sometimes, it’s a real challenge, and I want to give up. And I am not alone in that struggle.

You wouldn’t think that just being yourself would be so difficult. It should be the most natural thing in the world. So why isn’t it?

Why is being honest about who we are and being true to our core being so difficult?

Theoretically, being ourselves is the only thing that we can be. We can’t actually be someone else. And yet, sometimes it feels like that isn’t the case at all. But if I’m not myself, who am I instead?

Who we are at work

An employee, we’re hired based on a resume or job application. That one-page document is supposed to summarize all that we are professionally, yet it can’t possibly encompass our whole selves. Typically we are hired based on that document and a brief interview encounter, and then our new boss places us in a defined box based on their expectations of what they think we can and can not do.

“In order to be successful in the workplace, we may try to become what our employers want us to be, even if it means losing ourselves along the way.”

In order to succeed, we embrace these expectations of our new employer. It might mean putting in long hours away from loved ones, networking with people that we can’t stand, completing tasks that we don’t enjoy, and working for management that may not share our values.

For many people, our first jobs are met with resistance. Maybe it was walking off a fast-food job with the lousy manager or quitting that stocking position with the horrible hours after only a couple of months. And leaving felt like a sense of regained freedom and celebration because it didn’t align with who we are.

Now fast forward a few years. There’s a car payment, a lease, maybe a partner or a family. Bills need to be paid, and it’s a lot harder to leave a position that turns out not to align with our true nature.

We spend more than a third of our waking hours in that job. While we may try to inject some of our personality into our work life, it only embraces a small piece of who we are.

Eventually, many people learn to adapt to the corporate culture. They accept the company’s expectations of who they are supposed to be and embrace them and that behavior may help them to become more successful in the workplace. But it can feel like being almost a different person entirely.

"To become authentic we require a thirst for freedom."

- Don Mateo Sol

Outside of the work, we are still living our values. We support our friends, give money to charities, maybe volunteer for a local food drive. We care about our neighbors and their families.

But during the working hours, those corporate cost savings need to come from somewhere, even if it means layoffs and company reorganizations.

When personal values don’t align with those that we represent at work, there is a sense of duality and frustration.

A personal confession, when I worked as a corporate manager, I was asked to lay off some employees before the holidays as those labor costs needed to be off the books by January first. It made me feel sick and feel guilty for having to be the one to deliver the bad news. Yet I did as asked because it was part of my job. I ended up staying with that company for several years. But as my corporate success was increasing, so was my depression and my sense of loss of self.

"Authenticity is about being true to who you are, even when everyone around you wants you to be someone else."

- Michael Jordan

Wanting to better align our work with our personal values, many people take the route of self-employment. Having your own business can be a great way to achieve one’s dreams, but it is not without its challenges. One must create a marketing strategy, business mission, network, and continue to grow the customer base.

But small business owners are never truly off the clock and are always acting as the company spokesperson. Whether at the grocery store or posting on a personal social media account, business owners need to know how their public-facing actions could impact their business.

As humans, we have good days and bad days, days that we don’t feel like smiling and would prefer to stay in bed. But to grow a business, the spokesperson should always be personable and friendly. And due to the 24/7 nature of being a small business owner, it can start to feel like the business is the only thing you are.

Who we are online

Social media takes the idea of feeling like a separate person to a whole new level. Perfectly planned Instagram shots, use of only trending hashtags, ensuring the best SEO practices can make our online presence become very scripted. We want to be liked and appreciated, and it’s hard not to fall into the follower game, valuing ourselves only on the likes and comments of strangers. We carefully process our analytics, what works, what doesn’t, what drives engagement, etc., to do more of those things that make us successful. And our online presence becomes a mirror not of our true selves but of what our audience expects of us.

“Our online presence can become a mirror of what our audience expects of us instead of representing our true selves.”

As a blogger, I write about my journey and my interests as I regain my sense of self, hoping that others can relate and gain something from it. But there are struggles to the online aspects of that as well, to resist writing clickbait topics or disingenuous material for the sole purpose of gaining site visits. It’s crucial that I only write about what is authentic to me.

Who am I?

I look at these fractured pieces of myself: the work self, the business self, the online self. Throw in an unhealthy dose of people-pleasing, and it’s hard to figure out who is that actual person underneath. But I am trying to. I work on personal reflection, on trying new things, on focusing on self-development.

But it’s hard, and so many days, I fail. I focus on bank accounts and think about where I could have been if I hadn’t chosen to start over. I look at people as potential customers instead of potential friends. I measure my success in terms of analytics instead of how I am feeling. I look in the mirror, and it’s still a corporate shell.

"Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we’re supposed to be and embracing who we are."

- Brene Brown

I cling to old habits that no longer serve me. Continue to dress in clothes I don’t really like. I stay silent instead of standing up for myself and speaking my truth. I procrastinate on mindless tasks instead of putting in the work on myself and my own projects.

But I am trying. Every day, I have to remind myself that it’s another chance to start again. It’s another opportunity to gather these fractured pieces back into a whole being. But it is difficult and painful.

It might feel easier to just accept that old persona, but it’s not my truth. So I keep trying because that’s the best that I can do.

So many of us are struggling but know that you are not alone. We are so much more than our pieces, and in order to be authentic, we need to embrace all of who we are. I am still trying, and so can you.

Author:

Laurie Trueblood is a writer and life coach that enjoys fantasy, science, psychology, and everything nerdy. As the founder of Adventures to Authenticity, her mission is to help others level up and become the best versions of themselves.

Interested in reading more about the importance of authenticity: The Art of Living Authentically and X-Men and the Power of Being True to Yourself