What’s the Problem with Positivity?
When is positivity toxic and why does it make us so unhappy
Shutterstock by Tithi Luadthong
You have to go into the office this for a meeting. Frustrated, you know could have been done just as easily remotely, saving you the hour commute. After searching for your keys, you end up running late and get stuck behind a school bus for the next 5 miles. Thinking you’re finally free, out of nowhere, a car cuts you off. Slamming on the brakes, your coffee splashes over and onto your only white shirt.
Finally, rushing into the office, your bubbly coworker greets you with a huge smile. You roll your eyes but give her a smirky fake smile in reply. But she can read through it and tells you, “Think good thoughts!” in the most sing-songy voice. Ugh!! She is so irritating!
Everywhere you look, sites are promoting the power of positivity. We hear about all the great benefits from lower stress to better physical immunity. But sometimes, that positivity feels wrong. Why is it is that sometimes being around all those positive people makes us cringe?
When Positivity is Toxic
Sometimes positivity is the wrong choice. Now, I know you may be thinking that I’m just being negative here, but here are some examples.
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“Just try to think happy thoughts!” ….. at a funeral
“Good vibes only!” ….. to someone that just lost their home in a natural disaster
“See the good in everything!” ….. to a patient with a terminal illness
“Just stop being sad and be happy instead!” ….. to someone with depression
“You’ll get it over soon, just be positive!” ….. to a person dealing with a traumatic event
“It will be fine if you just smile more!” ….. to someone that lost their job
“Failure is not an option!” ….. to someone that has done their best but may still have to make changes
“I did it, so you can do it too!” ….. to someone that is trying but doesn’t have the same advantages you had
“Don’t talk about what’s wrong, just forget it and stay positive,” ….. to someone going through difficult times
These statements may be said with the intention of support and encouragement but instead, come off as out of touch and hurtful to the recipient.
Why Positivity Isn’t Always the Answer
Life is a series of ups and downs, and we have a wide range of emotions to address how we handle it. Focusing only on positive thoughts leaves no room for our full range of feelings.
“It was the best of the times; it was the worst of times.”
- Charles Dickens
Telling others or ourselves that we should only feel happy means denying our other feelings such as anger, pain, or frustration. And repressing our emotions can have serious side effects. A 2013 study found that bottling emotions increases the probability of being diagnosed with cancer and premature death.
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People have problems. We go through difficulties. And it’s normal and expected that sometimes we will feel sad, angry, or stressed out. We need to feel supported and have our feelings validated.
When we are going through a tough time, being told by someone, “Just be positive,” makes us feel unseen and unheard. Our natural emotions surrounding our struggles are rejected. And instead of feeling supported, we feel unwelcome and alone. This invalidation that occurs due to toxic positivity has been linked to symptoms of depression and anxiety.
Toxic positivity can also lead to feelings of distrust. Instead of being caring and supportive, we feel that person is dismissive of our authentic emotions and selves. We may become distrustful of them and feel their encouragement is disingenuous.
It can also make us feel like an outsider or a failure. We may see that everyone is so positive and happy while we’re not and wonder what’s wrong with us? If everyone else has their life together and I don’t, I must be a loser who has done something wrong.
“I tell ya, instead of feeling alone in a group, it's better to have real solitude all by yourself.”
- Faye Valentine, Cowboy Bebop
Overly optimistic types can also come across as arrogant. We see them as bragging about their wonderful and happy life. For those that are struggling themselves, this can feel hurtful and demeaning.
In some cultures, positivity can be seen almost as an insult. In places where cheerfulness is strictly saved for truly authentic joy, overly cheerfulness comes across as arrogance. Instead, greeting someone with a gloomy message instead of a positive one, says to the other, “I am a person that is also struggling, just like you. And please take comfort in that someone else may have it worse than you.” Being overly optimistic can be perceived as rude and communicating that you have it better than the other person.
When Their Positivity Breeds Our Negativity
When we feel hurt by the behavior of others, we react negatively. And when we feel attacked by positive behavior in others, it can trigger unhappy feelings and make us think less of others.
Positive People are Naïve
Life isn’t always perfect. Bad stuff happens, and humans can and do suffer. But when someone only focuses on the positive, it seems they ignore this. We feel they don’t see the world as it really is, and they are just ignorant of reality.
Someone that is always negative believes that bad things will happen and may often prepare for the worse. But those that always think things will turn out okay may be unprepared. We see them as being overly naïve.
Positive people are fake
Our speech is only one part of communicating, and non-verbal cues can tell much about someone’s state of being. Most of us can tell when someone’s words do not match their body language.
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If someone is using positivity to hide their own suffering, we may find them disingenuous. They are using a mask of happiness, but the vibe we get from them is pain, shame, or unhappiness.
We may get a feeling that “the lady doth protest too much,” with overly cheerful people. We feel that they may be using positivity as a defense mechanism. They may be an unhappy person underneath and are using positivity is as a false front. We assume they are lying to us and holding back the whole truth.
Even when we are unable to detect any discontinuity between their positive words and emotional energy, we may still suspect that they are hiding something from us. The world is full of good and bad things, and we feel a wide range of emotions. Someone that is never seen to suffer unhappiness feels strange to us, and that they are inhuman.
We Are Addicted to Our Own Negativity
Some people are naturally cheerful or gloomy. If we are naturally pessimistic, when we encounter someone who sees the world in an opposite way, we may have difficulty understanding. But sometimes, it goes beyond just our natural disposition.
When we are overly attached to negative feelings, we don’t like other people dismissing them. Our comfort zone is our unhappiness, and we don’t like others that are seeking to change it. A 2019 study found that negative thoughts can be addictive. If we always see the worst in something, we could be overly attached to our negativity. And just as positivity can be toxic, so too can focusing only on the negative, blocking our full range of emotional experiences and harming ourselves.
We Struggle with Our Self-Esteem or Self-Confidence
We may think poorly of a positive person for being overly naïve and congratulate ourselves on seeing the harsh truth of reality. We arrogantly look down on them for their gullibility but maybe secretly jealous of their happiness and good nature.
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Truly positive people often have healthy self-esteem and don’t automatically blame themselves when things go wrong. They celebrate accomplishments and milestones.
For many of us dealing with self-esteem issues, we have not developed these personal traits. We see these people and think, how dare they take pride in themselves that way. Their self-confidence makes us uncomfortable because we haven’t developed it enough in ourselves.
Optimistic people may also have an attitude that anything is possible. While we laugh behind their backs, they seem always to find ways to make it work. Our lack of self-confidence is keeping us from seeing the possibilities in life that they are receptive to. (Read more on self-confidence in X-Men and the Power of Being True to Yourself)
Positive People Need Support Too
While we may be reacting negatively to them, it’s important to remember that positive people need the same support and validation that we do.
This is especially true if we suspect them of being ingenuine with their happiness. If they use positivity as a coping mechanism, they may feel that they cannot express their genuine emotions or feelings of unhappiness.
Overly positive people could be struggling with self-esteem issues. They may feel unworthy of having someone else understand or comfort them, so instead, they hide behind a false smile.
Instead of criticizing them for being disingenuous, we can try to empathize and help them become comfortable enough to let their guard down and accept our support.
“I think the saddest people always try their hardest to make people happy. Because they know what it’s like to feel absolutely worthless and they don’t want anybody else to feel like that.”
- Robin Williams
Positive people may not be naïve and fully aware of the horrors that exist in the world. But to try to help it become less scary for those around them, they are trying to do their part to make it a little brighter.
They may be genuinely trying to help you. Give them the benefit of the doubt instead of cringing at their bubbly nature.
“I always like to look on the optimistic side of life, but I am realistic enough to know that life is a complex matter.”
- Walt Disney
When It’s Really Happiness
Just as negativity is a true emotion, so are happiness and joy. Those positive people in your life may truly be happy.
Perhaps, they just landed a client that they’ve been working hard on for years or started an amazing romantic relationship. Or may they are feeling chipper and refreshed because they went to bed on time last night instead of aimlessly scrolling YouTube like we did.
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Amanda is having a great day so far! Because she packed her lunch the night before, she was able to get out of the house a few minutes early today and had little traffic.
To her surprise, there was hardly a line at the coffee shop. And even better, the customer in front of her bought her latte. She happily paid it forward and waved at the driver behind her.
Putting away her lunch in the office refrigerator, she straightens her dress. She can’t believe how well it fits! Two sizes down from last year! All that time at the gym is really paying off!
High on serotonin, she can’t help but have a huge smile when her co-worker rushes in.
They give her a half-assed smile in return and are obviously having a bad day. There is a coffee stain on their white shirt. And the meeting they were supposed to be in has already started.
Amanda can see they are in distress. She wants to help but is not sure how. Trying to spread a little hope and good cheer, Amanda says, “Think good thoughts!” while flashing a smile. She hopes it helps them, even in some little way.
Amanda is having a wonderful day. In her personal experience, the day is not awful at all.
But she does not accuse her co-worker of being naïve for thinking that it is. She doesn’t assume that they are secretly happy or that their pessimism is fake.
We don’t question the authenticity of negativity. So why do we assume others can’t be genuinely positive as well?
Truly happy people radiate confidence. They are comfortable with themselves and are in alignment with their feelings and their non-verbal expressions. If we let it, this positivity can be contagious to everyone they meet.
When faced with that annoyingly cheerful person, just let them be themselves. And remember that they need support and encouragement too.
Author:
Laurie Trueblood is a writer and life coach that enjoys fantasy, science, psychology, and everything nerdy. As the founder of Adventures to Authenticity, her mission is to help others level up and become the best versions of themselves.
Read more on positivity and motivation: Being Authentic is Hard and The Importance of Why in Gaming and Life
