Why Is It So Hard to Follow Our Dreams?
Shutterstock by Tithi Luadthong
We all have dreams, things we want to do and wish to bring into our lives. Maybe it’s a goal, like getting fit, learning a skill, or traveling to a particular destination. Or perhaps, it is an idea like changing careers, writing a book, or starting a business.
We daydream about how much better life will be once we finally start down this pathway. We know in our hearts that it’s the right thing to do. We spend hours thinking about it, and the very idea excites us.
But, instead of working on it or taking the next step, we find ourselves doing something else. Maybe it’s spending time in front of the screen, mindless scrolling instead of working on our project. It could be spending money on things we don’t really need instead of saving up for the course that will help us. Or just working on other projects that we think must come first but don’t actually get us anywhere.
But months or years go by, and while we may still wish for this dream life, we never actually get started. Why is it so hard to follow our dreams, and how can we finally find the courage to start down that path?
Fear is the Mind Killer
Our dreams are calling, yet we find plenty of reasons not to pursue them. We give ourselves a list of excuses and honestly believe them. “I don’t have the time right now,” “money is too tight to try anything different,” or the worse, “I just can’t.” When we say these things, we believe that someday, things will be easier, and we can pursue our dreams then.
But these statements aren’t the actual truth. They are lies that we tell ourselves because we’re afraid.
Fear is a normal thing and essential to our basic survival. Being afraid keeps us safe, and we can even enjoy the sensation of being afraid. (Read more about fear in Why We Like Fear and How RPG Horror Campaigns Make for A Great Experience)
But fear also holds us back from doing great things and starting on the road to our successes. We need to face these fears. And be honest with ourselves about what those lies we tell ourselves mean and what it is that we are really afraid of.
“I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.”
― Frank Herbert, Dune
“I don’t have enough money” - The Fear of Being Broke:
Not having enough money is one of the first excuses that we tell ourselves to stop us from starting something new. And it is a legitimate concern for many of us, spending most of our waking hours working a job to maintain our current lifestyle. Anything that could impact the fragile financial security we may have is terrifying.
But there are solutions. It could be changing spending habits; even minor changes can add up over time. For example, you really enjoy that morning latte, but switching to coffee and milk at home could be an alternative. Are there other budgetary changes that you could make to help fund your dreams?
Are there alternative methods that cost less? If you want to learn something new, there are hundreds of free classes, tutorials, and videos online. Are you looking to change careers? Learn all you can and try volunteering in the industry before paying for expensive certifications or degrees. That experience will help you break into the field and may even help you qualify for scholarships.
If it’s starting a business, there may be startup grants and business loans, but don’t overlook opportunities like Kickstarter for crowdfunding. If you need an office or staff, a co-op program may be available to keep costs down. Look for small business support groups that you can participate in before starting. Hearing about their experiences, successes, and failures may be able to save you a lot of time and money.
With some creative efforts, you may be able to calm some of your financial fears and stop saying that you don’t have enough money to pursue your dreams.
“I’d rather regret the things I’ve done than regret the things I haven’t done.”
— Lucille Ball
“I don’t have enough time” – The Fear of Becoming Overwhelmed:
We have full lives: work, family, friends, errands, housework, and hobbies. We may already feel overwhelmed, and it feels impossible to add anything else. We can’t make more hours in the day, so the only way to create more time is to find better ways to manage it.
Try spending one week tracking where you are spending your time. Are there some habits that you can change to open up more time? What about efficiency? What can you do to give you the time you need without adding more working hours in the day?
Yes, we love to watch the newest show. Could you have spent those 3 hours working on your dream project instead of binge-watching? Can you watch tv a few nights a week instead of every night? How many hours do you spend on your phone mindlessly surfing? A few hours a week can add up hundreds during the length of the year.
What about those dreaded errands? Do you find yourself making multiple trips out during the week when a single evening would accomplish the same if you planned in advance? What about doing delivery instead of spending the time sitting in traffic and trying to find a parking spot?
Many stores allow you to order ahead for customer pick-up for no added cost. Could you order your groceries from your breakfast table instead of spending time searching for that one ingredient in the store? You will save time shopping and likely save money too by not buying those splurge items that you don’t need but look tasty on the shelves.
Take an honest look at where you are using your time now and see what can change. You may be able to free up some time to work on pursuing your dreams without sacrificing your sleep or finding a way to time travel. (Read more about finding the balance need to work on your dream in Getting Back to Your Main Quest – Finding Balance Between Life’s Side Quests and Fulfilling Your Purpose.)
“Never give up on a dream just because of the time it will take to accomplish it.
The time will pass anyway.”
— Earl Nightingale
"I don't know where to get started" – The Fear of Asking for Help
This excuse is a tricky one. We have an excellent idea for a company but don't know how to run a business. We would love to travel but don't speak the language. We want to change careers but don't know what experience is required in the new field.
Everyone, including ourselves, was once a beginner. From the gold medal Olympians to the most successful CEO, they all had a place at the start when they didn't know what to do. When starting, it's normal and a part of the process, yet we let our lack of knowledge hold us back from our biggest dreams.
Many of us don't like asking for help. It makes us feel vulnerable, and we don't like looking like we don't know what we're doing. We don't want to look like the beginner that we are.
If you're not comfortable talking with others, there are plenty of classes and resources online as a starting point. Sites like YouTube, EdX, and Skillshare all have free courses available. Libraries and community colleges may also offer free or low-cost in-person classes.
Try to find a group or forum to join that shares your interests. You can start reading the common questions and post your own. Find other beginners to learn with and support each other's progress. Not sure where to look, try Meetup, Facebook groups, and online groups on Twitter or Reddit.
Even if you have an idea that has never been done before, you can still get help. Whether it's organization tips, strategy ideas, or hearing of another creative process, we can learn from the experiences of others. But we have to allow ourselves to be seen as the beginner that we are to become experts in the future.
"Don't be afraid to ask questions. Don't be afraid to ask for help when you need it. I do that every day. Asking for help isn't a sign of weakness, it's a sign of strength."
- Barack Obama
“I can’t” – The Fear of Failure
The worst of all of the excuses we tell ourselves is that we just can not do something. We tell ourselves that we’re not good enough, smart enough, or just unable to do something so that we never try
“I don’t want to change careers because what if it’s a mistake.” “I don’t want to write that book because what if it’s no good.” We convince ourselves that we’re not up to the task before we even start.
It’s deeper than our lack of skills. It’s our confidence in ourselves and our fear of failure. We honestly believe that if we could make a mistake in our choices or our first may not be perfect, we can’t do something. We require perfectionism of ourselves and fear failure.
Many people consider perfectionism a positive trait, but it can be a curse instead. We are afraid of making any mistakes. But it is only through making mistakes that we can learn and move forward.
Our first try doesn’t always work, but what we learn helps us succeed on another attempt. Businesses fail, our first drafts are lousy, that first career choice may not turn out to be one that we like. Mistakes can and do happen. But they are vital to helping us succeed, and without those lessons paving the way, we are unable to reach our dreams.
Realize that mistakes are part of the process and not the end of the line. The opposite of success is not failure. The opposite of success is not starting at all.
“The only man who never makes mistakes is the man who never does anything.”
― Theodore Roosevelt
What If?
Human beings are future-oriented. We want to know what’s next. We plan ahead and daydream about our futures. We can use this trait as a motivational tool to help us overcome these fears and finally get started on our dreams.
Envision your future life; try to be as detailed as possible. Where are you? What are you doing? Clothes, sights, smells, what are your surroundings like? How do you feel? Fully embrace your imagination and that daydream of what life could be like in the future. Be honest with yourself and ask the following:
What if I got started on my dream right now?
If I started right now on that path to my dream life, what would immediately change?
How would my life look 12 months from now if I started today?
Five years from now, ten?
What if I got started on my dream path five years from now?
What will my life look like ten years from now, twenty?
Is it really the same future that I imagined above? That future has been pushed back. I’ll be older and have different responsibilities.
Would I be happy if my life continued on its current course without any progress for the next five years?
All of that hope and desire that I have for my dreams will be just sitting there, unused and wasted, day after day, for the next five years. Am I honestly okay with that?
What if I never got started?
How angry or sad would I feel if someone else told me that I can’t or won’t ever pursue my dreams?
Am I willing to throw my dream away for good and stop thinking about it and daydreaming for a future that will never happen?
How much regret will I feel knowing that I’ll never have that fantasy life, that I’ll never see my dream materialize?
Is it possible that it is worth the risk and I should go for it instead of letting it go?
Why is it so hard to follow our dreams? Because it’s hard to face our fears. But it’s time to stop worrying about what could go wrong. And think about everything that could go right.
You’ve imagined your life when your dreams come true, so go and get started. Fantasies are wonderful, but it’s even better to live one.
Author:
Laurie Trueblood is a writer and life coach that enjoys fantasy, science, psychology, and everything nerdy. As the founder of Adventures to Authenticity, her mission is to help others level up and become the best versions of themselves.
Read more about motivation and getting started. Check out How To Stay Motivated When It Feels Like You’re Not Making Any Progress and How to Add More Adventure To Your Life
